Have you ever wondered whether the NFL MVP award is predetermined or "rigged"?

I don't want anybody to freak out over what I am about to say next, but there is this group of people out there you need to know about. These people are vile, cannibalistic degenerates involved in sex trafficking and satanic human sacrifice. These despicable individuals make me want to puke whenever I talk about them! But I don't have to talk about Duval and the Jacksonville Jaguars fanbase right now; we can discuss their abhorrent behavior at a later date and in a different conversation.

But I will take a minute to talk about some compelling Jacksonville Jaguars news that will surely bring immense joy and happiness to their fans' dreary lives: Trevor Lawrence, their beloved quarterback, will receive the MVP award following the conclusion of the 2023 regular season.

You may be wondering how I can be so sure that Trevor will win when the season hasn't even started yet.

I can't disclose too much publicly about how I know Trevor will win because it's a hush-hush thing. And to be totally honest, I need to exercise caution for my safety. Even just by talking to you, I'm exposing myself to suspiciously getting shot in the head by a police officer, hanging myself in jail, or being struck by lightning.

But I can say this: Since 2006, the MVP award winners have been selected by a powerful, secretive organization with significant influence and sway.

Again, I can't say too much, and I especially can't disclose the name of this organization, but it's formidable, and you should not trifle with it! They have their hands in various industries, including business, finance, entertainment, politics, and even meddling in professional sports outcomes worldwide. I probably said too much, and now I'm toast.

Speak to Los Angeles Chargers fans if you think I'm lying about the secret society intervening in games and changing outcomes. The Chargers got hosed by the secret society in a wild-card game versus the Jaguars in 2022. Trevor threw four interceptions in the first half, and Jacksonville was down 27-0. Then a mystery phone call to the league office in New York happens. That phone call brought about a miraculous Jacksonville comeback win.

So there is little doubt that Trevor Lawrence and the Jacksonville Jaguars will continue to receive numerous awards, accolades, and consistently positive media coverage. You'd better get used to them getting favorable calls from NFL officiating, too.

What puzzles me is why this secret society loves them some Trevor Lawrence. Could it be the secret society has had a watchful eye on Trevor since he was born, similar to a situation where Trevor is the devil's spawn in a crazy Rosemary's Baby scenario? Trevor was always the "Chosen One," even from playing Pop Warner until now.

And what's up with Trevor's long hair, and why does he always wear a headband? Is Trevor possibly concealing a birthmark with the number "666" he's keeping hidden?

Maybe the talk of Trevor and a secret society is related to Jacksonville's owner, Shad Khan. Khan has a mustache that makes him look like the devil. I'm just sayin.