To snatch or not to snatch, that is the question. No, really. It's not a rhetorical question; it's a real question I keep asking myself over and over again as I sit here by myself, drinking tequila all day, gaining weight, and channeling my inner LenDale White.
Should I or should I not snatch that stupid lid clean off of Mike Vrabels' head? It wouldn't be that hard to do; it would be super easy since I stand so close to Vrabel at his press conferences, about three feet away from him daily. I could quickly snatch and grab the thing and then take off running.
My wife thinks I'm overly preoccupied with Vrabel's baseball-capped press conferences, and my kids say, "Dad, all of your talk about baseball caps and Mike Vrabel is scaring us." I love my wife and my kids, and they are precious to me, but I can't seem to get them to understand that the Titans are winless the weeks when Mike Vrabel wears a damn cap.
So why, why, why is Mike Vrabel wearing baseball caps anyway? He never wore one his entire life during his successful years. If you look back at the Titans' 2019-2020 playoff run, you'll need help finding a baseball cap within 100 miles of Mike Vrabel. And when you look at when he was a player in New England when the Patriots were winning Superbowls, Vrabel wore hoodies like his mentor Bill Belichick, not a baseball cap. And if you delve a bit deeper into when Mike Vrabel was a youngster, playing in little league baseball games in Ohio. You'll quickly realize that Vrabel was a stubborn little SOB, even as a child. Not only was Vrabel the only kid on the field who didn't wear a cap, Vrabel was so ornery he didn't even wear a batter's helmet while at bat.
But still, can somebody please explain to me why Mike Vrabel wore an NYPD cap on 9/11 during the 2022 season opener against the New York Giants? That's when the crap started rolling downhill. The loss against the Giants set off a series of events that caused a chain reaction that eventually put the Titans on a trajectory to go on a losing streak, missing the playoffs by a single game and essentially putting the team where it is today.
If you disagree with my conclusions and don't think Mike Vrabel's caps are pure evil and come from the bowels of hell, can we at least agree that the light blue cap on Vrabel's head looks goofy? Something definitely needs to be fixed with the fit. His caps are either too loose or too tight. Maybe his caps don't fit because Vrabel's watermelon-shaped head is probably swollen from playing baseball without a helmet. Still, for whatever reason, it needs to go!
Look at Titans starting right guard Daniel Brunskill in comparison. Brunskill is possibly the most visually unattractive free agent acquisition in the Titans franchise's 60+ year history. And to say Brunskill is unattractive is being charitable. Honestly, Brunskill's face looks like a dog's rear end. But to Brunskill's credit, despite being only 29 years old and looking like he is eligible for Social Security benefits, Brunskill manages to wear his baseball caps during press conferences without looking as goofy.
I'm done talking. I've made up my mind, and I'm going to do it. If Mike Vrabel wears a stupid baseball cap again, I'm gonna snatch that thing like there is no tomorrow.
Up until this very moment, it never occurred to me that I might lose my job for snatching Mike Vrabel's cap. But I'm cool with that; I am prepared to accept the consequences. I might not be able to find work again, but I'll sleep just fine at night, knowing I have fearlessly taken a stand against evil.
Imagine if someone had taken action and did what needed to be done against an evil in Europe in the 1930s. That brave person could have prevented significant suffering and averted a World War. So, somebody has got to do something about Mike Vrabels' stupid baseball caps, and that somebody is me.
Do I sound like I'm joking? Does having a losing record and missing the playoffs make you laugh? I promise you, I'm dead serious. Don't believe me? Just watch me snatch that baseball cap and run.