Titans 2012/2013 Season Preview*: Week One.

You've seen the serious side of previewing the Titans 2012 opponents with our "Behind Enemy Lines" series from The Artist Formerly Known As WTF, so let's take a lighter look at things, a la the 2012 NFL Prekkake from our friends at Kissing Suzy Kolber. I've been looking forward to writing this post for a long time, this year is going to be a lot of fun for our Titans. You may also remember that last year's post was singular, going week by week and telling tales of how last year's team stomped on just about everybody at least once, divisional opponents twice, and the team from Curacao in the Little League World Series With Helmets On Jaguars three times, just for good measure, but this year I feel that each week should be highlighted and that a little background info on each team is necessary. We'll look at some new members of the team and see what they're bringing to the table when we square off sometime in the next few months.

So pull up a chair and see what I have seen regarding our week one matchup with our chowderhead friends from the north.

Week One: vs. New England Patriots

Final Score: Titans win 60-0

Moving on.

As any casual football fan, and thousands of kids in third world countries now sporting their championship shirts, the Patriots were in the Super Bowl last year. This is neat for a few reasons. First, it gives the Titans a good chance to test their skills against a team that could still be considered favorites to represent the conference again in the big game this year, but also because it gives the Titans a good chance to lay the wood on one of the most despicable teams of the last decade. Yes, I'll admit, I hate the Patriots because the Patriots are a damn good football team, but that's not where it ends, I also hate lots of perennially bad teams, like the Jaguars, the Pirates, and hopefully soon Boise State. This is probably unfair, but a lot of my hate that gets directed towards them comes from my hate for their MLB partner in crime, the Boston Red Sox. I have a hard time accepting that any one fan base in particular brings more obnoxiousness to the table than any of the other ones, but every year, Red Sox Pink Hat Nation challenges that belief. There are always exceptions, but I have found that just being around most of their fans grates me to no end. They're often ignorant about anyone not in a Sox uniform, cheer for injuries, and never want to hear your opinion on anything because you're not part of their secret club that gathered approximately 85% of its' membership in 2004 and another 5% in 2007. Also, Jonathan Papelbon had an annoying face. Whatever, this is a football blog, so I'll try to stick to the point.

The Patriots are a good team and they only got better this year in free agency. They somehow picked up receiver Brandon Lloyd (I know who I'm definitely drafting this year for my fantasy team.), interior lineman Robert Gallery, defensive end Jonathan Fanene, tight end Daniel Fells, 'tweener linebacker/defensive end Trevor Scott, cornerback Will Allen, safety Steve Gregory, receivers Donte Stallworth and Anthony Gonzalez (who will finally play 16 games and make the Pro Bowl after selling his soul), defensive tackle Marcus Harrison, and an interesting guy who played both linebacker and fullback last year, Spencer Larsen. Chances are some Boston media type latches onto this guy and makes him into a quirky and lovable, then annoying to everyone outside of Boston because he's over-saturated cult hero. Call him the Brian Wilson of football.

What stinks for New England is that they lost running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis (henceforth referred to as "Law Firm") and replaced him with Colts washout Joseph Addai. Is there any difference between Joseph Addai and Laurence Maroney at this point? Probably not, basically one of the backs they drafted last year is going to have to do it all. Is Danny Woodhead still alive? I kind of assumed he just vaporized after Toby Gerhart assumed the role of The White Running Back that the NFL is allowed to have. Law FIrm is awesome, the Pats really messed up by not keeping him. Their tight ends are the best pass-catching duo in the league without any real competition for the throne. Aaron Hernandez is a top fantasy target if anything happens to Gronk, having him last year was one of the most amazing balances of bliss and fury I've ever experienced with a player. Any time the ball went his way, he cashed in, but Rob Gronkowski was busy smashing records and quietly having the funniest offseason ever, so that wasn't terribly often after about week three. I might be a little bitter.

Tom Brady and Brandon Lloyd will set the world on fire, whatever.

As far as our week one matchup goes, call it a revenge game. No offensive touchdowns will be scored. We're taking it to the one ever time and kicking a field goal until we hit 60 and then we're just running out the clock. So basically, look for negative yardage on every play after about seven minutes into the second quarter because it's all QB kneels until the end of the game at this point. Jake Locker still manages to out-rush Tom Brady with 17 yards. You don't get to the one yard line every time without a little shake and bake from the QB. CJ flashes the moves that got him the rushing title a few years back and breaks 150 yards, but the comments section crucifies him for dropping a pass, not scoring a touchdown, and generally looking kinda bored out there, but hey, when it's easy, it's easy. CJ Tweets "lol regular season" and gets dropped from, like, 80% of fantasy rosters because he's destroying the sanctity of professional football as we know it. CJ is a god-mode troll.

Defensively, this is a laugher as well. I said that Tom Brady and Brandon Lloyd will set the world on fire, but they won't start that whole act until week two as the secondary blankets the back end of the field and the defensive line rips Robert Gallery's stupid mullet off en route to a 7 sack, 4 interception performance. Colin McCarthy plays the entire game without a helmet on, effectively one-upping Brian Cushing and calling out his manhood in the process.

Mike Munchak says basically nothing in the post game comments, but one camera just barely catches a glimpse of him in the back of the Patriots' press room flipping off Belichek and sticking his tongue out during his press conference. A rare moment indeed. Good win, boys.