clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Making A Totally Rational Case Against The Projected Top 5 Picks.

Feb 23, 2012; Indianapolis, IN, USA; Tennessee Titans general manager Ruston Webster speaks at a press conference during the NFL Combine at Lucas Oil Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE
Feb 23, 2012; Indianapolis, IN, USA; Tennessee Titans general manager Ruston Webster speaks at a press conference during the NFL Combine at Lucas Oil Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

Not gonna lie, MCM, I kinda love Grantland. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Grantland, it's pretty straightforward, you have a collection of some of the most talented writers in the business come together under the flag of Bill Simmons (I know, I know) to write about their favorite teams, TV shows, pop-culture references. They really churn out some quality material and while I was browsing the other day, I saw that they had set into motion one of my ideas that I had deemed too stupid to print. I enjoy humor writing, but unfortunately, I am usually the only one who finds me remotely funny, but now I'm going to force you to deal with it.

The weather is warming up, baseball is beginning, pollen is falling on my car and making the normally silver paint job look kind of like a nasty puke-green, yes ladies and gentlemen, the NFL Draft is near once more.

I think we've all seen the real arguments against picking some of the top players in this years' draft, but now it's time to look at this glorified meat market from a lighter side. Let's take a look at a randomized mock draft just for the heck of it.

Indianapolis Colts select Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford.

In other news, water is wet. Where to begin with Luck. That neck beard was pretty atrocious. Somewhere, Kyle Orton is having a good laugh about the fact that he's no longer rocking the worst facial hair in the league. Of course, he's wrong, his is still worse because it's dragged down by his general awfulness, it's just that no one has had the heart to tell him yet. I get the sense that when the rest of the quarterbacks in the NFL start a big group chat on iMessage that Orton is generally excluded. This is probably due to the fact that he's as much of an NFL quarterback as Tito was a member of the Jackson Five. This is quickly becoming less and less about Andrew Luck and more about my general disdain for Kyle Orton. Does anyone have a problem with that? Didn't think so, and that's probably a good thing because I seriously can't think of a reason that Indy would ever pass on Luck. Moving on.

Washington Redskins select Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor.

Another shocker. You guys, the parallels to Vince Young are strikingly similar. Disregard numbers. Disregard mental stability. Disregard all of that. Get this: both play quarterback, both wear the number ten, both are from Texas, both are objects of desire and lust by Bud Adams. You guys. Seriously. They're one in the same. Even if they're not, Washington is bound to screw him and literally anyone else they're thinking of picking here so I'm not sure why this is being discussed. They should just save time and forfeit their draft. Seriously, pass on everyone, Washington, no one wants to see that.

Minnesota Vikings select Matt Kalil, OT, USC.

Pretty obvious third pick I'd say. This bores me to tears, much like the rest of that franchise. Sure, purple is kind of a loud color, and sure, their uniforms in general are pretty busy, but get real, the most exciting thing about that franchise is Mall of America and I'm pretty sure they're not even associated with the team. Why has this all of a sudden just turned into a "Ways Crappy Teams Will Ruin The Draft For Daniel This Weekend" post? I'm afraid I really couldn't tell you. Back to Kalil, he's boring, but I guess people in Minnesota are into that, that's why they live in Minnesota, after all.

Cleveland Browns select Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State.

The term "face of the franchise" gets thrown around a lot these days. Generally, it applies to some new top draft pick or free agent signing and is a term that means that said player will be essentially representing the team to the point where they will become synonymous and inseparable. This player should be charismatic, intelligent, and above all else, talented.

Justin Blackmon is all of those things, but come on Cleveland, do you really want the face of your franchise rocking adult braces? Actually, you probably do. You probably think it's cute and ironic. Well, Browns fans, that's the most Cleveland thing I think I've heard or seen all week, and I watched a couple of ragamuffins in tattered old Joe Thomas jerseys fighting over what was left of a half empty bottle of Kentucky Gentleman, so that's saying something.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama.

Ever worry that someone might be a werewolf? I kinda get a werewolf-y vibe from Richardson. Admit it, that would explain a lot. Either pass on him or come prepared for the fight of your life when Monday Night Football rolls around and all of a sudden we've got a real live situation on our hands. Get your players vaccinated and have animal control on speed dial, because for once, we are actually dealing with a badass over here.

Mandatory anti-running back speech: blah blah running backs don't help you win blah blah something something CJ's contract.

There you have it, I got a little off track, but I figure that this is as good a place as any to drop some hate on some of the league's crappier teams, join me next time as I try to be funny again and take a look at picks 6-10.