It's the lockout, nobody is doing squat, so guess what? Alternate universe time, get ready cause we're about to play armchair psychiatrist and assign alter egos to some of my favorite players. So for all you nerds out there, this one's for you, fanservice at it's very best.
Let's begin with our golden boy, Jake Locker.
Jake Locker is Batman Beyond. (Apparently A.K.A. Batman 2000?)
Young, unproven, and thoroughly under-appreciated in his own time, the new Batman was constantly living in the shadow of his literal and figurative shadow, the old Batman. It's clear that Gotham was in pretty rough shape before he came along. Batman had been out of it for awhile and the place was falling apart. Now substitute "Batman" for "Steve McNair" and "Gotham" for "Nashville" and you have a direct parallel.
I'm also having a pretty tough time deciding whose shadow is/was more badass. I bet if Steve had a utility belt, he'd be just as good as Batman was if not better. Also; think about it, Batman's arch-nemesis is and always will be the Joker. Locker's ultimate nemesis? This clown.
Chris Johnson is...wait for it, The Silver Surfer.
Come on now, we all know the Flash is fast as hell, but CJ is so much more than just track speed. This guy means everything to this team. I shudder to think what 2008 would've looked like without him.
You know those games where he would just kind of...take over? Almost like he was controlling the entire playing field? He wasn't just getting it done with speed, he was making people look stupid out there. Yeah, the Surfer dues the same thing, just he does it with the whole freakin' universe, but you get the idea. He seemed to come up with a huge play just when we needed it most (which was a whole lot). This also draws parallels to the Superman/Silver Surfer debates between CJ and Adrian Peterson. Who's the more powerful super-hero? Hard to say, at this point it's 1a and 1b.
Dave Stewart is The Juggernaut.
The Juggernaut doesn't necessarily have any super unique powers per se, he just kind of throws on a suit of armor and beats the hell out of people. He's also wicked strong and seems almost immune to pain. After thinking about it that way, I've decided that Dave Stewart was born to play this man in a movie. He wouldn't even have to act, they'd just have to film him around the house smashing through walls and stuff and yelling a lot. I think my favorite part about Juggernaut is that after being banished to an alternate dimension, he magically just re-apperas on earth because he was physically strong enough to bend reality to his favor. The dude walks out of another dimension because he felt like it. That's badass.
The only issue I have with this is that Dave seems to be a kind and gentle soul, whereas Cain Marko, Juggernaut's alter ego, was...well, not that at all.
Ahmard Hall is Captain America.
Former soldier? Check. Ultimate leader? Check. Living the American Dream? Eh, kinda. Yeah, it'd be nice to be Captain America, but wouldn't you rather be the Human Torch or Wolverine or something? Same goes for being an NFL fullback; if you had the choice between fullback and...well, anything, I doubt you'd pick fullback. Still, both represent integral parts of their teams. Just like the Avengers need Captain America, we need our sarge.
Donnie Nickey is Aqualad.
What has two thumbs and is lame enough to be Aquaman's sidekick? Also; Aqualad has a stupid perm, for some reason that makes me hate Donnie Nickey even more. 'Tis a vicious cycle.
Jake Scott is The Thing.
Because I can see them both doing this a lot. I like the part where he says "I lift things up and put them down." On an unrelated note; what kind of message does this send? You wanna come pump some iron at Planet Fitness? Too damn bad, you're making the other patrons feel bad.
So, about absurd, off-topic subject matter like this, what's it gonna be Titans fans? Love? Hate? Apathy? Lemme hear it.