Boy, it feels really good to have some non-draft news again. So good in fact that I've decided that this is exactly how the 2011 season will play out. Now, lot's of our brethren around SBN have been doing some extremely early predictions, knowing full well that the chances that their predictions are right near 0%, but I feel good about this one. Don't question it, the results are in and there's nothing you or I can do about it.
Here are the enlightening, uplifting, and completely accurate results.
Week One, at
Los Angeles Jacksonville: Titans 37, Jaguars 3. After shaking off some pre-season rust (hurr-hurr), our new field general Rusty Smith shreds the Sparkle Cats' defense for 347 yards and 5 touchdowns. Kenny Britt catches four of them, dedicates each one to a separate run in with the law. Chris Johnson runs for 210 yards, thinks about dedicating the game to Vince but decides against it. Two Titans points come off a safety caused by a blown roughing the punter call after Donnie Nickey drives Adam Podlesh into the ground whilst he is in the process of punting from inside his own end zone. The ball rolls out of the back just as time expires and Jacksonville dies a little on the inside. They know it's the last time they'll see Tennessee smear their team at home.
Week Two, vs Baltimore: Titans 13, Baltimore 10. The defensive domination continues as Joe Flacco is smothered by the fearsome pass-rush tandem of Derrick Morgan, now completely injury free, and Von Miller who was acquired in a trade with Buffalo for former quarterback Vince Young on draft day. Morgan records 9 1/2 sacks on Quinton Aaron. The offense celebrates Morgan's big day by scoring on an 82 yard pass to Kenny Britt that gets off milliseconds before the final whistle has blown causing Baltimore to implode upon itself in a maelstrom of self-pity.
Week Three, vs Denver: Titans 28, Broncos 7. Only scoring play from the Broncos comes when LenDale literally drives his Rascal up the gut in the second quarter. Unfortunately, the motor scooter cannot handle the swamped field in the second half and literally gets stuck in the mud.
Week Four, at Cleveland: Titans 17, Browns 0. Browns QB Ryan Mallet (lulz) can't make it to the game for his first start as he has literally been frozen in time after attempting to roll out to his left only days earlier at practice. Now-petrified body of Mallet placed in front of Cleveland Browns Stadium as a "memorial". Backup QB Colt McCoy pisses himself when he sees cardboard cutout of Marcell Dareus is lined up at D-tackle. Browns forfeit after second quarter.
Week Five, at Pittsburgh: Titans 21, Steelers -6. Tony Brown one-ups Haloti Ngata by physically removing Roethlisberger's nose from his face, Stephen Tulloch does much of the same to Rashard Mendenhall's collarbone and spikes it in the end zone along with the ball he just took. Officials unsure on how to rule it, so they just take a touchdown away from Pittsburgh because damn, that was embarrassing. Chris Johnson knocked off pace for first 8,000 yard season with a measly 382 yards.
Week Six, Bye Week: Titans 59, Bye Week 0. Suck it, bye week.
Week Seven, vs Houston: Titans 3, Texans 0. In their first close game, Titans edge out Texans who miss a last second field goal to tie it. Actually, Mike Munchak shoots the ball out of the air with a lightning bolt and gives a whole new meaning to the name "gun fingers", but I digress, we win! Texans' new head coach Jeff Fisher cries into his mustache behind his mirrored "Gucci" shades that he shoplifted from Marshall's.
Week Eight, vs Indianapolis: TItans 88, Colts 0. Ha. Get it? 'Cause it's Marvin Harrison's old number.
Week Nine, vs Cincinnati: Titans 35, Bengals 0. Bengals wideout Randy Moss is shut down by Alterraun Verner who records his twelfth interception of the year off of Jake Locker in the third quarter. After the game, Moss heads down to the Ohio Corrections Office to bail out Pacman. Still later, Carson Palmer, or "that crazy old guy who won't stay away from our practices" as Marv Lewis likes to call him, pulls Pacman's bullet out of Moss' forearm after Moss"looked at him funny". Palmer then retires, quote: "I'm too old for this crap. Seriously, I hate every single one of you."
Week Ten, at Carolina: Titans 28, Panthers 7. New Carolina offensive line coach Tom Cable, fired from Seattle's coaching staff in Week 3, punches Jimmy Clausen in the jejunum after Clausen throws key interception in the fourth quarter. Clausen breaks down into tears. No one cares. Partially because no one is in the stands to care, but mostly because it's Jimmy Clausen. Chris Johnson's season stats mentioned for the first time on ESPN: 3,977 yards from scrimmage with 10 TDs. Lack of TDs comes from kneeling the ball at the one yard line after breaking runs of 90+ yards, but ESPN uses it to christen Adrian Peterson best back in the league.
Week Eleven, at Atlanta: Titans 42, Falcons 6. The slumping Matt Ryan is sacked by Mark Herzlich to end the game. I'd give him some kind of injury, but that's no fun, not even in
pretend IRL predictions. Everyone in New England has a Herz-gasm, some guy in Atlanta burns a Mike Vick dummy on the 50 at halftime, everyone sobs into their beer, lamenting at what could've been.
Week Twelve, vs Tampa Bay: TItans 38, Buccaneers 3. Kenny Britt catches a touchdown, his 22nd of the season, and goes to high five Vince. Remembers his quarterback is Rusty and hurls his shoulder pads at Gerald McRath. No one cares. No one. Donovan McNabb gets the start for the injured Josh Freeman and throws 6 interceptions to Mike Griffin who returns a pair of them for touchdowns. Munchak rips Griffin for his inability to score consistently after the game.
Week Thirteen, at Buffalo: TItans 55, Bills 0. Titans re-enact the Music City Miracle...on the first play of the game for the lolz. Buffalo never crosses the 50 and finishes the game with negative yards from scrimmage. Bud Adams throws up the two fingered salute and is fined $250,000. But Bud doesn't pay; Bud does what he wants.
Week Fourteen, vs. New Orleans: Titans 35, Saints 21. The NFL's last two undefeated teams meet in a climactic fight to the finish. Before the game, Munchak stresses the importance of keeping the ball out of Bress' hands. Rusty Smith, owner of nearly every single season record in NFL history, leads a 37 play-15 minute drive to finish off the Saints in the fourth quarter. The entire fourth quarter.
Week Fifteen, at Indianapolis: Titans 88, Colts 0. Yes. Again.
Week Sixteen, vs Jacksonville: Titans 61, Jaguars 14. In a triumphant return home, the Titans backups drop 40 on the Jags in the second half to seal home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. Chris Johnson, having long surpassed his goal of 2,500 yards set in the 2009 pre-season, racks up nearly 300 yards from scrimmage and becomes the first player to record 3,000 yards in a single season. David Garrard's head explodes in place of his usual concussion.
Week Seventeen, at Houston: Titans 16, Texas 0. Titans ring in the new year by letting Marc Mariani play every single position on the field at once and celebrate with
champagne a wild boar hunt and ale in the locker room Valhalla. Jerry Gray sticks his head out to offer Marc some tips at halftime, then goes back in to get schwasted with the boys. The most dominant season in NFL history comes to a close and Tennessee storms into the playoffs undefeated, ESPN makes sure to throw something in about "that team from Alabama or something doing pretty well this year" at the end of the show.