FanPost

The Wasteland: The Mothertuckin' Fexans

In the Lone Star State do two teams reside. One National, one American. The American one bears the name of a tribe long since passed from memory. Ironically, the city of the Cowboys was once the city of the Texans. But I digress. The tribe in the city of Houston is one born from the womb of resentment, anger, contempt, and illogical tribesmen.

Long ago, a different tribe occupied the city of Houston. One dedicated to the riches derived from the blackest of gold. Bud was the chief of the clan. Under him, the tribe won great victories in the early sixties behind the aging warrior Blanda. However, the tribe would flounder for many years, nearing victories over the Steel Tribe of the Pitt, but failing at the last step. The tribesmen remained loyal nonetheless.

The end began in the fateful year of 1993. An almost guaranteed grand victory was derailed. First by the temporary replacement of Tribe Elder Moon. Then by Bud's verbal missteps during "Babygate." The final straw was the suicide of Tribesman Alm. One final playoff elimination, coupled with the infamous "Comeback" the previous year prooved to end the support for the Oiltribe. Bud rallied for a new coliseum for his warriors, but the tribespeople and the Elders of Houston turned him away. Bud decided that enough was enough, and it was time for a change.

Bud soon moved the Oiltribe to the banks of the mighty Cumberland, where a coliseum fit for such titans was constructed. The Houston tribe was shocked and angered. They felt angered that even though they had refused to attend the battles and had publicly shunned Bud, he would have the audacity to move his tribe somewhere they were accepted. Perhaps they knew not what they had until they had it no longer.

The Houstonians suffered with no clan to support for many long, agonizing years. Five, to be exact. Then, the false McNair came forward to bring the gridiron back to the city. Their first move to return glory to the land? Carr. He would return the land to prosperity, and that certainly looked like a possibility when Andre The Not-Quite-Giant was incorporated the next year.

Unfortunately, The Curse of Carr was an albatross rather than Shor's rich boon, and the tribe wallowed in their own inadequacy at the bottom of the South's pile. Even with the new chief Kubiak the tribe suffered embarassing defeats.

Today, things have changed. Carr is long gone, and is rumored to be in the running for nomination to the position of Vice Clipboard Jesus. The Schaub Syndrome ravaged the land after that Curse, with no better results. The S-Watt team was a proven commodity, batting down passes like the mythical Tim Howard. Their success was short lived, as the Fexan Clan was humiliated at the Battle of Foxborough.

Recently, the Schaub Syndrome was shipped to Oakland, where it was soon replaced by the vengeance-thirsty new strand of the Carr Curse. How cyclical. Chief Kubiak was soon dethroned, and a protege of Darth Belichick was put uon the throne. Rumors persist that Chief O'Brien and his master are actually cardboard cutouts that can speak intelligently, but this has yet to be confirmed. The Fitztragedy that struck the Cumberland Tribe in the last year somehow managed to weasel it's way into Houston, causing Cumberland tribesmen to laugh until their posteriors prolapsed.

They hope that they can regain their one time power behind the S-Watt team and the Clown to make a play for the Lombardi Throne. But with the Fitztragedy lurking, this is highly unlikely.

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