Hello, Chicca and gentlemen.
This is one of two weeks in the year where Titans fans are in danger of being infected by a carrier of massive stupidity and ignorance. They seem human, they speak some form of English, and they're massively irritating. You may have encountered some in the past week, and didn't know what they were, only that they called themselves 'Texans fans'.
These are very special creatures. They are very unique in sports, containing an unparalleled inferiority complex. They were born from the collective agony and anger of tens of thousands of bandwagon Oilers fans that jumped off the wagon the minute they saw the wagon was heading out of the state of Texas. They did not understand why someone might seek to find a different fanbase, one much more desirable.
They must be handled with a certain level of care when encountering them. That is why I am here, to show you how to escape an encounter with the enigmatic 'Texans fan'.
PART 1: Disciplined Offense
As the average 'Texans fan' is very simple-minded, they have a pack mentality about them. That means that if one encounters you, there may be several more on their way. You must not blame them for it. Instead, you must understand. They do not realize that they are in the wrong, they don't have the mental capacity to understand it. If they are treated like a threat, then they will return to their caves and crow to the rest of their family that you treated them badly. They will never acknowledge they deserved it, they will instead convince themselves that it was you that were wrong in not letting them do what they wanted. In their eyes, they are always in the right. This, again, is the unparalleled inferiority complex I mentioned before.
The best approach to avoiding this is to attack and retreat, repeatedly. This is most effectively done by attacking them for a few brief moments, then following it up with timely GIF's and humorous self-depreciation. The objective is to get in as many shots as you can, then block them with humor. If this does not work, then you're not doing it well enough.
PART 2: Prepared Defense
As the average Texans fan is very simple-minded, and have a pack mentality, they are very habitual creatures. Very few of them are evolved enough to have even a shred of wit or creativity, but those that do create jokes and memes that spread like wildfire through the rest of the uncreative, witless family.
These creative and witty memes involve amazingly funny subjects such as:
- Eating infants alive.
- Life-ruining drug addiction.
- Sibling incest.
- Mental retardation.
- Dead people.
The key to knowing their behavior is to identify the patterns. It is very uncommon for 'Texans fan' to evolve to the point of even substantial creativity, so once you learn the patterns of what they consider 'witty insults', you can more effectively counter their attacks due to their predictability.
(Disclaimer: Please do not be alarmed or shocked by the seemingly offensive nature of the subjects their memes revolve around. This is standard for the 'Texans fan'. Class is a concept that is too complex for them to comprehend, so it should not be expected of them.)
PART 3: Other Important Things to Know
The 'Texans fan' base is not as large as you may believe.
This trait is very similar to the mirage created by the mythical "Jaguars fan". If you encounter 10 of them over the span of a month, then you are only truly encountering 4 or less. It is the one and only example of an ability for a Texans fan to adapt. They have been booted so many times, they now stockpile alternate accounts. This is part of the reason that nearly every Texans fan seems to be identical in personality and commenting style. Most of the time, they are actually the same entity.
You may be asking me, "Professor FOTUD, I don't always remember them being this irritating. What gives?"
Well, the answer is very simple.
Since their existence, they have been at the bottom of the food chain. That is, up until a few years ago. It was lead by the emergence of a man with the ability to get his hands on all the balls that come his way, and an almost unnatural obsession with sacks. In less than a year, the Texans fans went from losers cheering for a loser, to cheering for a winner. This turnaround created a societal shock in their culture.
Simply put, they have no idea how to handle the success, since they have always been failures. That is the reason for the meteoric rise in the severity of the 'Texans fan'.
I have one thing to ask of you all. Please, if you spot a Texans fan throwing punches at someone, do not be afraid to flag them for it. The head official will have your back, and they will likely be ejected.
You've reached the end of this demo reading of "The Texans: A Guide to the Fanbase"
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