It’s the dead season again so MCM sent its resident unreal reporter, Father of Zeus, out to track down various Titans for in depth interviews. As you can imagine, finding NFL players in the off season requires spending a great deal of time in Strip Clubs (hint: always look for the CJ2K 2 boobs up symbol as a mark of quality) and the expenses were considerable. I’m particularly low on ones for some reason. Fortunately Jommy has offered full reimbursement from the MCM coffers so all is well [side note to Jommy: That Nigerian fellow you put me in contact with hasn’t sent any money yet. It’s a bit annoying since I’ve already wired him $5,000 taxi fare to the ATM].
But, as Bud Adams no doubt said to Ruston Webster: Never mind about the money, get on with it.
So here are the interview transcripts. Please note that each player was interviewed twice; once on arrival at the club and one again after 10 drinks. This is the patented FoZ Jekyll and Hyde interview technique. As you will see it produces interesting, albeit wholly apocryphal, results. It is hard to forge competitive men in to a team; something- darkness, insecurity, hilarity- always lies beneath the surface.
Important note to lurking Facebook fans: This entire article is fallacious (no, that doesn’t mean I blew the interview). Absolutely none of this is true. Especially what Locker said.
Let’s start at the top with Head Coach Mike Munchak:
MCM: Mike, some are saying you’re on the hot seat this season. How do you respond?
MM Jekyll, On arrival: You can’t worry about things like that, you have to do your job. Do your job right and everything else works out
MM Hyde, After 10 drinks: Ha! I’ve been blackmailing Bud for 30 years. Think I’m gonna stop now? See you next season suckers!
OC Dowell Loggains
MCM: Dowell, do you think you‘ll be on the sidelines this season or do you prefer the booth?
DL Jekyll, On arrival: We’ll do what works. There are plusses and minuses to both. What’s more important is that the plan is executed well on the field.
DL Hyde, After 10 drinks: They’d better put me up in the goddam booth. It’s embarrassing having to sit on Rusty’s shoulders so I can see
DC Jerry Gray
MCM: Jerry, we were so close with the pass rush last season. What can you do to turn pressures into sacks?
JG Jekyll, On arrival: You’re going to see a lot of formation changes and personnel movement on the D Line. We’re going to show a lot of different looks this year.
JG Hyde, After 10 drinks: Did you know it’s perfectly legal for the D Line to play 5 yards off? Really! It is! All of ‘em!
Special Assistant Gregg Williams:
MCM: Gregg, how are you and Jerry getting along from a philosophical perspective?
GW Jekyll, On arrival: The great thing about working with Jerry is we each bring something different to the table. We can cancel out each other’s weaknesses while building on our strengths
GW Hyde, After 10 drinks: If that mof**er f***ing lines ‘em up 20 f***ing yards off again I’ll have a f***ing bounty on his f***ing ass. Kill the head!
QB Jake Locker:
MCM: Jake, you lost your mentor in Matt, how are you and Fitz getting along?
JL Jekyll, On arrival: It’s great. We’re out there pushing each other to get better every day. Fitz has a lot of in- game experience to share and we’re getting along great.
JL Hyde, After 10 drinks: Dammit! Fitz can play! Why didn’t they bring Tebow in?
OG Chance Warmack:
MCM: Chance, a lot of people have been asking if you’ll be doing the trademark “Warmackin’” now you’re in the NFL. Any plans?
CW Jekyll, On arrival: Nah, I don’t want the fines or the distraction. I just want to do my job out there and be just another lineman nobody notices
CW Hyde, After 10 drinks: Man! These girls take Warmackin’ to a whole other level. I need a new gimmick!
OG Andy Levitre
MCM: Andy, what really drew you to the Titans this off season?
AL Jekyll, On arrival: It’s the only place where you have 2 hall of fame linemen coaching. How can you pass that up?
AL Hyde, After 10 drinks: Maybe they’ll show me how to last to the end of my contract on this bum knee I’ve been hiding
WR Kendall Wright:
MCM: There’s been a lot of talk about how much shiftier and quicker you look now that you’ve lost 15 pounds. How do you feel it will affect your play?
KW Jekyll, On arrival: I’ve never felt better or faster. I think this will help wherever I line up. I want to be able to play every position
KW Hyde, After 10 drinks: I’ve got to get this bulimia under control man. I was starting Right Tackle in my freshman year. (KW left for the men’s room at this point and returned smelling strongly of breath mints)
WR Kenny Britt
MCM: Kenny. You’ve had your share of off season troubles. Will this year be different?
KB Jekyll, On arrival: Aw man. You bet. This off season is all about family and making good decisions
KB Hyde, After 10 drinks: Hey! You’re staying on the base aren’t you? Get my keys off Delanie and we’ll smoke a couple and I’ll drive you home
TE Delanie Walker:
MCM: Delanie, how is the offense gelling with so many new parts?
DW Jekyll On Arrival: It’s coming together really well. There’s a strong spirit of teamwork and camaraderie
DW Hyde, After 10 (low alcohol) drinks: I’ll punch you in the face if you ask me for Kenny’s keys
WR Justin Hunter:
MCM: Justin, there’s a lot of talent in the WR corps. How does it feel to be a rookie with all that around you?
JH Jekyll, On arrival: It’s great. I’m learning from all of the veterans, Kenny, Nate, Kendall, Kevin; they all have something to teach me
JH Hyde, After 10 drinks: I’m gonna be the new Kenny Britt! ACL- check; Hamstring- check; now if I can just get those keys off Delanie...
WR Nate Washington:
MCM: Nate, there was speculation that you might not be around but this offseason you’ve been stellar in practice and a clear leader in the WR room. How are you feeling?
NW Jekyll, On arrival: My job is to go out there and leave it all on the field. I’m here to win a ring with the Titans
NW Hyde, After 10 drinks: Trade me!! Trade me!!
RB Chris Johnson
MCM: Chris, some have said you sometimes put personal goals ahead of team goals. What do you say to that?
CJ Jekyll, On arrival: I just want to get back to the playoffs. I only care about how many yards or touchdowns I get if it’s helping the team get to the playoffs
CJ Hyde, After 10 drinks: My fantasy owners are the true masters. No way is Greene vulturing my TDs. There’ll be a little extra in his Gatorade
RB Shonn Greene
MCM: Shonn, how are you and CJ sharing the load? Do you have a target for carries and yards?
SG Jekyll, On arrival: Whatever the situation demands we’re both ready to share. We can work together to bring a new dimension to the running game
SG Hyde, After 10 drinks: I didn’t come here to be no damn back up. There’ll be a little extra in CJ’s Gatorade.
DT Sammie Hill:
MCM: Sammie, the Titans want to get bigger on the D Line and you have the size but what brought you here?
SH Jekyll, On arrival: I just want a chance to start and show what I can do. I’m working my butt off in the off season on conditioning
SH Hyde, After 10 drinks: If I eat the entire buffet does that count as a workout?
LB Colin McCarthy:
MCM: Colin, you’re a leader when you’re on the field but you’ve had injury issues. Where are you at health wise now?
CM Jekyll, On arrival: The ankle’s coming along well and my head’s clear. I’m confident of playing all 19 games this season
CM Hyde, After 10 drinks: I wonder if the NFL lets you play on blades. I must look into... what was it again?
SS George Wilson:
MCM: George, you were the first addition in the off season and now you are sharing reps with Pollard. How do you feel about that?
GW Jekyll, On arrival: There’s lots of 3 safety sets in our game plan. Everybody will get on the field and contribute
GW Hyde, After 10 drinks: Come to us George they said, we need you George, they said, what, they couldn’t find a rookie to warm the damn bench?
SS Bernard Pollard:
MCM: Bernard, you’ve joined us from an old rival. What are your thoughts on changing mindset and having new rivalries?
BP Jekyll (as much as there is one) On arrival: You’ve got to leave the past behind. The Titans are my team and it’s my job to knock the piss out of the Titans’ opponents
BP Hyde (default mode) After 10 drinks: Man I hope we play the Pats this season. 3 times I’ve made it look like an accident bwahahaha
FS Michael Griffin:
MCM: Michael, some say your play has dropped off (note “some" in this context means “some mammals” specifically "humans"). Now you have Wilson and Pollard with you will we see Pro Bowl Griff again?
MG Jekyll, On arrival: I hope so. I’m learning a lot from them and we’re really getting it together schematically to play to my strengths
MG Hyde, After 10 drinks: This book George lent me on how to play safety is really good. There’s a whole chapter on something called “Tackling”. Can’t wait to get to that part.
CB Alterraun Verner:
MCM: Alterraun, you’ve been moved around a lot in practice; outside, slot, even Free Safety. What are your thoughts?
AV Jekyll, On arrival: Whatever the coaches want me to do is what I’ll do. I have the versatility to play any position
AV Hyde, After 10 drinks: Seriously Jerry, what’s next? Nose Tackle?
CB Jason McCourty:
MCM: Jason, there have been a lot of changes on the secondary but your situation looks the most stable. What do you think?
JM Jekyll On arrival: I think you’ll notice a difference in my play this year. We’ve been working on switching some things around. Of course I can’t share the details
JM Hyde After 10 drinks: It’s my turn to play for the Pats this year. Say Hi to Devin and tell him beer’s in the fridge
S Markelle Martin:
MCM: Markelle, it must be frustrating to have picked up another injury just as you were about to hit the field.
MM Jekyll, On arrival: Yeah, I really want to reward the Titans for their patience and put a great product on the field for them. I’m rehabbing as hard as I can
MM Hyde, After 10 drinks: My secret plan is to spend 10 years on IR and then retire
Note: Big Country was also present but declined to be interviewed on the grounds that he’d never heard of this “Jekyll” character. He did offer to demonstrate how well his leg was healing through an unconventional proctological procedure which did not involve the use of anaesthesia. FoZ declined