FanPost

My Interview with Peter King

PK is an interesting fat oaf human being. He makes his money writing about football but devotes significantly more column inches to the difficulties of finding wheat beer after a hurricane than he does to the on- field performance of the Titans. Naturally MCM wanted to find out why this was so we sent a (not real) reporter to interview the world’s most wide awake drunk.
FoZ. Hello Mr King. Thank you for agreeing to meet with MCM
PK: Are you going to eat all that hamburger?
FoZ: Er... probably not.
PK: Thanks (takes burger)
FoZ: So, we at MCM would like to know why you almost never write about the Titans and, on the rare occasions you do, it’s blatantly obvious you hadn’t seen the game.
PK: Titans... hmmm... definitely heard the name somewhere. New York, right?
FoZ: Well, that was true once but we’re talking about the Tennessee Titans
PK: Ah yes. The Jets. Here’s what I think they should be doing with Tebow and Sanchez. You see Rex Ryan...
FoZ: No, no! Tennessee Titans. AFC South
PK: I think you are mistaken, the AFC South was disbanded when Peyton Manning left. Here’s a few things you should know about Peyton Manning. First off that surgery...
FoZ: No, it wasn’t disbanded. In fact it sent two teams to the playoffs this year.
PK: Still blanking, do they have any famous players? Or Felons?
FoZ: Chris Johnson? Ran for 2,000 yards
PK: Ha ha, no, that’s Adrian Peterson. You see the thing with the Vikings is...
FoZ: Jason McCourty?
PK: Ah yes. Devin’s unimportant brother
FoZ: I think you’ll find that Jason’s stats are rather better
PK: Look here, I have hundreds of people working the stats for me. I’m pretty sure I know which one’s the better Safety
FoZ: Let’s change tack
PK: But since we’re talking about the Patriots let me tell you about Tom Brady. I think he...
FoZ: Thanks but I know everything I need to about the serial supermodel shagger. We’re here to talk about the Tennessee Titans.
PK: Are you going to finish that latte?
FoZ: What? Um, no, you have it
PK: Tasty. Reminds me of a double up two down three across non decaf ventilated Irish half and half quad shot unleaded sotto voce with piked backflip I had six years ago in Washington. Now here’s ten things I think I think about RG3...
FoZ: Can you please stay, actually GET on topic??
PK: Um what?
FoZ: The Titans. Have you seen any of their games this year?
PK: Hmmm... Did you play the Giants, Cowboys, Redskins or Ravens?
FoZ: No
PK: Probably not then
FoZ: We did play the Steelers and Jets
PK: Ah, rings a bell. Did you play the Patriots?
FoZ: Depends on your definition of “play”. We had a few guys in the stadium at the time I suppose. Have you ever been to Nashville?
PK: Why would I do that?
FoZ: To watch the Titans!
PK: Interesting travel note about Nashville. I was once scheduled to change planes there flying from watching the Pats on Thursday night down to watch the Cowboys on Monday. Turned out there was fog and the only way to get to Dallas was TWA to London then Pan Am to Miami then the Acela to Dallas. Or something like that. That Atlantic crossing’s a bitch as a lot of Jags fans are about to find out. Wasn’t so bad for me. Watched a movie; Any Given Sunday I think it was called. Didn’t really understand much about what was going on but it passed the time.
FoZ: What? The Jags are moving to London??
PK: (Staring FoZ in the eyes) These are not the droids you’re looking for...
FoZ: Huh? Whatever. I’m trying to get you to talk about the Titians
PK: Are you going to drink that entire case of wheat beer?
FoZ: It’s starting to look like a good idea I must admit
PK: Let me lighten the load. I usually start on the column after about a dozen of these so it may jog my memory--- (takes 12 beers)
10 minutes later
Pk: (Belches) Mmm, Citrusy... So, what were we talking about?
FoZ: In your case pretty much anything except the Titans
PK: So, just like the column then (laughs)
FoZ: Aha! You DO know the Titans
PK: Of course (hic). You’re the guys that play Andrew Luck twice every season. Here’s why I think he should be in the Hall of Fame...
FoZ: I give up. You carry on with your column and I’ll get everything I need to know from MCM.
PK: Fair enough. Are you going to leave the rest of that case here?
FoZ: Yeah, I think I need something stronger
PK: Thanks. Oh, and if you pass a Starbucks on the way home would you mind buying it for me? I’ve got to write 5,000 words on why Ray Lewis should be president of the world before the Superbowl kicks off.

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