In the beginning there was Tebow. And possibly peanut butter. But definitely Tebow.
And the world was filled with righteousness and bluebirds sang and unicorns frolicked in the glades. But Tebow was sorely troubled for he knew not which was better, the singing bluebirds or the frolicking unicorns. And the brow of Tebow became furrowed and begat Controversy. And because Tebow is divine Controversy took physical form and thus were born the New York Jets.
And they were a fractious and querulous lot. And for many weeks of what was called “offseason” in the old tongue, the Jets were content to squabble and fight and make bold claims but Tebow knew this was not enough and the Jets needed Purpose. So Tebow invented Football and created the Cowboys so that the Jets could have someone to play with and young women could cavort near naked in public places. And there, according to the Gospel of EAPN and NFL Network creation ended for lo, there was plenty to fill the ravening airwaves and the talking heads were sated.
But EAPN and NFL Network were heretics.
For on the next day Tebow looked about and saw his work was not done. So in that blessed Garden (state) he created a second “New York” team and they were called the Giants and did great things but nobody cared or spoke of them since they gravely lacked a Tebow of their own and they were cursed to whine piteously to an uncaring world. Then Tebow left his garden (state) and wandered into the wasteland of the North. And after much perambulation he entered a land where people were polite and healthcare was free. And Tebow was sorely troubled by this and recoiled from that hellish place and created the Bills so that he would ever know when he had journeyed too far.
Then Tebow realized the world was incomplete (for verily did Tebow know much of incompletions). So the next day Tebow created Time and with time, the Past. And the past took form as the Coach known as Fisher and Fisher brought the past to the Rams and in that corner of creation dinosaurs and very tired running backs were about the realm. And field goals.
And with Time came the future and with the future the far future and this is where Tebow placed the Panthers next playoff appearance and the Bengals next divisional championship for all perpetuity.
And while his eye was in the South it lit upon the land of Florida where dwelt the Ancient Ones. And Tebow deemed Tampa Bay worthy of a franchise and pointed the finger of creation at that place but he underthrew it and the Falcons came into being. Mightily frustrated, Tebow covered one eye that he should concentrate and this time his aim was true and the Buccaneers were brought forth and ever after their fans would wear eye patches to honour this genesis.
And still Tebow laboured. And on the next day Tebow saw that the world contained much evil. Murderers and Rapists stalked the land. And thusly Tebow created the Ravens and the Steelers so that these souls would find a home. And Tebow had invented rules and where there are rules there are Penalties and where there are penalties there are Raiders so they too came to be.
And then Tebow created money; but Tebow was not without humour so he gave much of it to the unwise that they should squander and look like fools. And thus Dan Snyder came into being and he created the Redskins, forever to live in opulent ruin. And after the Redskins came the Broncos who collected all their gold and bought a statue made of glass. Which can’t throw any more. And as these gilded teams languished Tebow saw that he had created underachievers and thus came into being the Chargers.
And then Tebow scanned the farthest reaches of his realm and espied Seattle. And there he created the Seahawks for it was prophesized that one day the bald man, the Saviour, would come from that distant place.
And as his gaze slid South and West Tebow sighted a strange yet enlightened place where men spent Sundays in antique stores or tasting wine and cheese. And he saw there was a small number of men, mostly those not married to other men, who were bored shitless with all this and so Tebow created the 49ers that they too could rejoice on an afternoon. And the sight of this place brought to Tebow’s mind that there were too few women in this world and so he created Supermodels and thusly the New England Patriots so that they would have a Quarterback to impregnate them. And as his mind pondered fashion Tebow grew mischievous and created a race who believed they looked good with fermented curds on their heads and he set them in Green Bay so that the curds would never melt.
And then Tebow saw that men were happy (particularly, it must be said, the Quarterback of the New England Patriots). And this excess angered Tebow. And so he created Plague and Injury. And thence came the 2011 Chiefs. And Tebow created Tragedy and Farce and the Browns were extant. And Tebow wandered the wilderness in search of enlightenment but found only heat and scorpions and so Tebow created the Cardinals so that others should know suffering. And in his wisdom Tebow knew that the sick and infirm would need to be replaced and so Tebow created the Draft. And Tebow ordained that as the meek should inherit the Earth so the crapulent should pick first and so Tebow created the Colts to ever hold this honour (for not all Luck is good Luck).
And Tebow saw that the world was full of things and needed the void. And so there came a void in Miami after Marino and in Chicago after Luckman. And great was the wailing and lamentation of their fans. Yet even the void was honest and true and Tebow saw the need for deception so Tebow created a team known as Saints and filled its ranks with hired thugs.
And then Tebow grew weary and slept. And as Tebow slept he dreamed. And he dreamed of a team and the Eagles sprang forth. And greatly did Tebow chuckle in his slumbers for the future is clear to him.
Then did Tebow awaken, refreshed and invigourated. And in that moment Awesomeness took form and the Titans were made whole. And yet so great was this awesomeness that it burst its bounds and a miniscule aliquot was spirited away by the one known as Schwartz and so the Lions sprang into the firmament. Yet Tebow knew that balance must be maintained and where there is awesomeness there must also be epic suckage and so Tebow called forth the Vikings to bear this burden. But Tebow took pity on the Vikings and created the Jaguars so that even the most downtrodden and inept may have something to laugh at.
And then Tebow perceived that his work was almost done. Yet one thing was missing. All things Tebow had created were real. And so lastly Tebow created a place of fantasy and delusion where falsehood and foolishness reigned. And now you know where Texans fans come from.