Let’s face it, any fool can grade the 2012 draft 72 hours after it’s been done. In fact many fools have. Not only that but certain super- precognitive fools have already published their 2013 draft.
Frankly this is herd mentality at its worst. MCM deserves better. As such, I have “acquired” a time machine and am happy to be able to bring you the 2024 grades as bestowed by those gurus who so improve our lives at this time of year.
First, a little catch up for those of you stuck in 2012. Obviously there have been some changes in the league in the last 12 years and we need to all be on the same page to properly understand the 2024 draft and award the appropriate massively premature grade.
Let’s start at home with our beloved Titans. Alas you will all soon remember the bleak 3 years following the 5 head chase when Bud Adams, intensely frustrated by the Front Office’s inability to offer a ridiculous contract to an aging partially synthetic QB appointed Mel Kiper head of player personnel. Himself miffed at the Titan’s persistent failure to bow before his wisdom and draft a CB in the first round of 2012 and 2013 (per mock draft of May 3 2012), Kiper proceeded to draft CBs with every single pick for the next 3 years. As a result the 2016 Titans roster comprised 52 Corner Backs and 1 specialist Punter. There was some debate on MCM as to whether this specialist was a “waste of a roster spot” but we’ll pass that by for now. Fortunately the Titans were prevented from humiliation by the ever- resourceful Thor who devised the unique tactic of punting on first downs and scoring through pick sixes (surprisingly common when 11 CBs are on the field) and epic Special Teams play. Despite getting A+ draft grades every year the Titans failed to win the big one and Kiper’s reign of incompetence was finally ended when he was found burnt to a crisp after a suspiciously localized thunder storm (Ray Lewis gave it a “C”). Thor resumed control and a golden age of Superbowls ensued (though our draft grades REALLY sucked).
Other changes around the league began in 2014 with a malfunction of the main Twitter servers causing Jim Irsay to get into a vicious twitter flame war with himself. Furious at the abuse (technically self abuse but let’s take the high road here) Irsay spirited the team out of Indianapolis in the middle of the night and founded the London Colts. This was much to the consternation of Londoners who had been promised a proper NFL franchise and not a “bunch of wankers” as the local press reported.
The second major disruption occurred in 2016 when in a copy/ paste error six pages of Game Show rules were accidently inserted into the NFL rule book. Before anyone could correct the error the Steelers, Ravens and Jets had all been “Voted off the Island”. They are not missed.
The third major incident was Jeff Fisher’s failed attempt to have the coin toss decide the outcome of the game. Flanked by leading statisticians Fisher attempted to show the competition committee that since his Rams invariably finished 8- 8 and that statistically this was the overall result for the entire league there was no point actually playing the games and exposing the players to risk of injury. It was far more efficient to allow the coin toss to decide the winner. To bolster his case, Fisher pointed out that this new approach would allow for an 18, 26 or 250 game season without endangering player safety. The votes were split evenly but Fisher lost the toss.
Finally, Global Warming caused the Texans to leave Houston and move North. They are now known as the Montana Texans which causes a lot of confusion. They do have an excellent home record however as visiting teams frequently turn up in the wrong State.
Of course there have been changes at MCM too.
Jimmy gave in to pressure and legally changed his name to “Jommy”. Due to a typo the day after his new name was approved he is now universally known as “Jummy”.
The greatest loss is unquestionably Internet superstar and MCM legend St Prattrick who finally realised his dream to be the oldest man ever drafted as a wide receiver in 2018. Unfortunately his brutal training regime- which requires him to stay sober for literally hours at a time- leaves him no time to post. Curiously enough 750 SB Nation accounts, including 175 at MCM, have been conspicuously silent ever since.
Also MIA is Los Blancos Chicca who unwisely uploaded a snapshot revealing her to be SMOKIN HOT. She is now too busy fending off proposals (some of which even include marriage) to post. Another sad loss.
Fanoftheunderdogs accepted the position of Professor of Internet Logic at the University of Gif (a small town in the Netherlands) but still posts from time to time.
Welsh Titan persuaded the NFL to open a second expansion team in the UK and is now GM of the unfortunately named Cardiff Calamity. They beat the Colts 75- 3 last year.
Speaking of GMs, Noles’ mercurial team allegiances have resulted in the longest screen name at SB Nation. He is now known as NolesBroncosTitansChargersJetsTottenhamHotspurCowboysPatriotsGloucesterCountyCricketClubBroncos(again) DevilsPackersLakersChiefsRaiders. He is being heavily recruited by the Boise Jaguars who are keen to hear more about how he drafted Zach Brown and saved the Titans.
Noles’ nemesis Winni -aka Pooh aka Eeyore (when he’s not watching)- finished his Pharmacy degree and made a fortune as Brian Cushing’s Internet ‘Roid man. He now posts as CaymanIslandTitanfan13.
IceOne(CAJ) enjoyed a brief career at NFL films but was fired for inserting Chris Johnson highlights whenever a game got boring. He is suing for unfair dismissal and his attorneys are confident of victory. (Chris Johnson, now himself enjoying a second career as a cosmetic Dentist, generously funded his defense).
A few other things have changed of course, only to be expected after Nuclear War, but this is a football blog so No Politics.
So, now we’re all temporally acclimated, about that 2024 draft. Overall the “Experts” gave the Titans a “C-”, citing the failure to address the lack of depth at Water Boy. Thor was too busy rearranging trophies to comment. Some things just never change.