Many people may be under the impression that Blaine Gabbert's patented "Deer in the Headlights" quarterbacking technique is the result of terrible drafting and Darwinism gone horribly wrong. And they would be mostly right. But ineptitude on the Gabbert scale (not to be confused with the "Gabbert Scale"- a scientific measure of degree of terror at the sight of oncoming linebackers) is so outside normal human experience that teams of research Psychiatrists are fighting over the opportunity to study him in action. Or, more accurately, study him in inaction. Always one step ahead, MCM stealth surgeons have been able to implant a transmitter directly in to Gabbert's brain as he quivers in anticipation of a home game against the 2012 Titans. We shall see and hear the world as Sunshine does, and, even better, read his thoughts.
This serenity is pierced by a primal scream. Our attention shifts to a scrupulously clean white room. Within this room, seated on the Sunshine Throne or “toilet” is the object of our study. It is 4:30 in the morning; we activate our device.
4:30 am. Oh God Oh God Oh God! I fell asleep on the throne again! Why am I haunted by this recurring nightmare of the "Demonic Cornerback"? Must go back to bed.
5:00 am. Waah! I’m awake again. Cold sweat. Damn it, I’ve wet the bed again. Must transfer to bed number 4. Very grateful for the generous contract the Jags have given me which allows me to purchase a big house with a bedroom large enough for seven beds and unlimited laundry access. Tonight is going well for the night before the game, 2 hours before I get up and still 3 dry beds to go!
7:00 am. Waah! I’m awake again. This bed number 6 is very comfortable. A good night! Psych myself up for shaving. I have to remember that the menacing figure approaching me in the mirror is NOT a defensive lineman. It's just my own reflection. Curse these magnifying shaving mirrors!
7:05 am. Didn't work. Why does that mirror make me look just like Karl Klug? Luckily the toilet is right next to the washbasin so no real harm done. Will stick with the beard for now.
7:10 am. Breakfast. Mummy has made me 2 fried eggs and a sausage arranged as a smiley face. I don't like the way it's looking at me.
7:15 am. Skipped breakfast. Say what you like, it was definitely showing blitz. Not a bad idea really, my medication kicks in faster on an empty stomach. Starting to feel a bit more relaxed now.
7:30 am. Bad news in the mail. Yet again my restraining order against the Titans defense has been denied! I should write to Goodell about this.
8:00 am. Head out to the facility. Mr Khan has sent a special car for me. All the airbags are pre- deployed! It's very cozy and safe in here. I wish my house was full of airbags.
8:30 am. Team meeting. I notice that once again the coach has rejected my plan to switch to a 10 offensive lineman set. And no love at all for my emergency ejection jet backpack idea. We're playing the Titans today. They're mean. Coach says they play 11 men on defense! Eleven! How will we block all of them? Why doesn't coach listen to my ideas? Ah well, at least my Facebook "Start Chad" campaign was a huge success. Very proud of that screen name "Fearless Jag 11". Nobody guessed it was me. Not even one of my therapists.
8:50am. I could get a really bad paper cut off this playbook. I should write to Goodell about that.
11:45 am. Out on the field at the Jags stadium. I get very nervous when people watch me play so I'm super glad the Jags drafted me as that's never a problem here. Why can't all our games be at home?
12 noon. Warm ups. Totally fooled coach. It IS possible to complete a pass with both eyes screwed up shut. Now if only I could do that during an actual game. Must remember to ask Tebow how to pray and throw at the same time.
12:15. Had a bit of trouble with my special warm up routine. Was practicing my cadence HUT HU.. DON'T FREEZE... RUN AWAY!! Crashed into this giant brute on the sideline. She said she was a Cheerleader, but I'm not falling for that. Must've been at least 95 pounds! And sharp elbows. That'll leave a mark! Where are my linemen when I need them? Better see the trainer and get a full body scan.
12:30. Still not scratched for the game. Dammit! I thought I'd be OK on the sidelines then they went and hired Kerry Collins as back up. Nowhere is safe when that dude's had a skinful. Beaned his own D Lineman they say. Looks like I'm stuck with the clipboard. Nasty jagged edges. These mediaeval gauntlets I ordered from Armor R Us are great! Maybe the NFL will look into steel plate armor. I should write to Goodell about that.
1:00pm. Uh Oh. Coin toss. One of the most dangerous phases of the game. Flying metal could go anywhere. They laugh at me for hiding under the bench but I have a career to protect. We'll see who has the last laugh when someone's got a coin wedged in his skull. I should write to Goodell about that. Time to build my sideline Gatorade bucket- fort. I'll include a periscope this time to keep an eye out for marauding Cheerleaders.
1:30pm. Not good. We're down by 21 points and Chad's out of the game already. Coach wants me to warm up. How he found me hiding in a trashcan in the Women's room I'll never know. Maybe that monster Cheerleader ratted me out. On the plus side, our punting game is awesome today!
1:45pm. It's going from bad to worse. Down by 35. Kerry's looking wobbly. I could be in next. Note to self: Must explore being traded to a team that plays in brown pants. Would save the equipment boys a lot of time, effort and detergent.
1:55pm. There's this weird red balloon- like object floating in front of my face. It's making a lot of noise. I know I've seen it before... Coach!! Kerry's been stretchered off. Nobody hit him, he's just hammered. I’m up!
2:00pm. This is the thing I hate most about being in the NFL. Playing football. Why is everyone so mean? Referee spotted the bungee cord that I attached to the bench for emergency escapes. Said it tangled up with the chains. I tried to explain that the chains won't have to move as long as I'm under Center but he wouldn't listen. Now it's just me and these tiny little Linemen.
Ok, this is it. Got to take the snap... HUT WHUT WHAT... What the hell is this thing in my hands? What am I supposed to do? Why is everyone shouting and waving at me? Why have my arms and legs stopped working? Someone's coming... Who... Zach Brown... Oh good... They say he's allergic to con..CRUNCH.
Unfortunately at this point our implant went off line. On recovery, experts from the NTSB were able to reconstruct the last record on it. it was rather garbled but appeared to be “Why is my nose full of grass?”
The Gabbert Scale of Terror:
1 Milli Gabbert: Normal human caution. Developed through the evolutionary process to prevent our ancestors from attempting to kick a sleeping lion in the nuts. Typical of a healthy and well adjusted individual who plays and/ or watches football.
1 Centi Gabbert: A nervous, skittish person. Unlikely to be a leader of men but probably not institutionalized either. May well drive a Volvo. Unlikely to play football but if so is a kicker who misses the days when he could just sprint off the field after booting it. Will watch football if there's someone to hold his hand during the scary bits.
1 Deci Gabbert: A roiling mass of paranoia and phobias. Will almost certainly be afraid of cup cakes, puppies and air. Wealthier ones live in large, armored bubbles. Very popular with the Pharmaceutical industry. Does not play football. Can't even watch football due to morbid dread of the TV remote.
1 Gabbert: Experiences complete loss of motor control and bodily functions in response to any perceived threat. Possible first round draft pick (if no punters are available).