The Titans’ schedule looks brutal this year however, as with many things in life, the devil is in the details and with favourable sequencing the prospects for a 16- 0 season are in fact very good. See why after the jump
Let’s start within the division:
Indianapolis: The first game against Indy can be scheduled with precision. It must be at LP field in week 3. Why? For the sake of the division it is vital that Andrew Luck loses all confidence very early in his career. This process (known as “Gabbetization”) will be assured with the following opening for them: @ Houston, @Chicago, @ Tennessee. After being mauled by the Texans and Bears in his 1st two starts our 15 Sacks 10 INTs and 5 Forced Fumbles Gabbetizes him but good. The return game at Indy can be scheduled as soon as his psychiatrist permits.
Houston: Like a visit to the dentist, playing Houston is just something that has to be done a couple of times a year and seems to become a less pleasant prospect with each passing season. The best schedule here is @ Tennessee on a short week to minimize BRB trolls over here, @ Houston on a long week to maximize our trolling opportunity.
Jacksonville: A little comic relief is always welcome. These games should be scheduled to distract attention from depressing events such as the release of quarterly unemployment data or when the Presidential campaign just gets too much to bear. We should not schedule the second game too late in the season however since we may play them a third time (see below).
Pittsburgh: A definite late season fixture. We need to give Roethlisbastard plenty of time to pick up multiple injuries- one functional limb feels about right- and for James Harrison to be suspended either for illegal hits or just for being James Harrison.
San Diego: Years ago, when the Planet Tennessee exploded large radioactive chunks of the doomed planet fell around Southern California which explains a lot of our problems. This is another late season game mostly because the warm climate makes San Diego one of the few places where the Cheerleaders will be reliably half naked in December. Gamewise I’m expecting a 2- 0 victory when Rivers throws a tantrum, rather than the ball, while standing in his own end zone and is clobbered by Klug. You won’t get to see it though as I’ve sold the TV rights to the Playboy channel.
Miami: Latish in the season for some Winter sun. We can graciously accept the Dolphins’ surrender at half time and be on the beach by 3. I’m pretty sure CJ has a party house down there somewhere.
Bills: Not too late in the season for weather reasons. In fact the weather is a big factor here. We need a good strong breeze blowing from left to right across the end zone in case it comes down to a field goal at the end. Also, if it’s too cold Bud will have to wrap up warm and it’s hard to flip the bird wearing mittens.
Pats: After the bye. 2 weeks of screening The Game We Don’t Talk About and our guys will be ready for VENGEANCE.
Jets: Should be imploding nicely by mid season. Supermouth coach +Sanchez + Tebow + NYJ fans + media = Chernobyl.
Minnesota: Must be scheduled immediately after the Miami game since we’re not going to show up. Snow will collapse the roof just before kickoff. We sue for reckless endangerment and the NFL awards us the win plus the Vikings’ 1st rounder (which should be a beauty). Meantime we’re still partying on at CJ’s place in Florida.
Detroit: Since the Lions roster is 87% Titans players we must schedule this early in the season in the hope they forget which team they’re on. Skill players running in the wrong direction, defensive linemen sprinting in from the sidelines to flatten their own QB, Centre tackling his own running back (coached by new Arena League stud Amano). What a spectacle. After the game Schwartz tries a Harbaugh Handshake on Thor and loses the use of his right arm.
Chicago: Another early season must. Chicago has a fine tradition of blues and where better to enjoy an evening of good music then Nashville? Our back ups take them out for a long evening fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and the following day 100 degrees heat and 110 percent humidity do the rest. A tough day for CJ and Britt as both have to gain 200 yards while skirting pools of vomit but otherwise no big problems here.
Green Bay: Normally this would be a no brainer week 17 game when they are resting their starters. Unfortunately there is nothing normal about Green Bay and having seen their back up QB throw 6 touchdowns in one game last season we need another plan. The best option would be to quietly forget about it, give GB the day off and schedule a 3rd game against the Jags. Khan is new to the league and probably won’t notice and we don’t need to worry about Jags fans crying foul since there aren’t any.
Since this will inevitably result in a playoff season, I would be remiss in failing to address the post season.
Week one: Bye, obviously. CJ should have restocked the booze by now.
Divisional Playoffs: Vs Denver. Our much criticized strategy of drafting 7 Defensive Ends back in April now makes sense as we field 9 at a time against 5 head. After Manning is laid out for the 20th time Bud lands his jet on his forehead and flips Elway the bird. DO NOT TEASE THE TITANS.
Divisional Championship: Vs Pats. We dress a high school team in Titans uniforms and pretend not to notice the hooded figure with the video camera at our last practice. At game time we run from the tunnel in Giants uniforms to psych them out then execute our REAL game plan for which they have no answer. VENGEANCE 2 THE SEQUEL
Superbowl: Vs Rams. You know this one already. Rams come back in a thriller only to lose on the last play of the game when McCarthy makes the tackle ONE YARD SHORT.