Dear ______: Mail From a Player/Fan/Someone

I'm totally jacking this idea from Winny cause I liked the sound of it and need a conduit for my dry sarcasm since I don't have game threads and am still banned from Stampede Blue. So during the offseason I will attempt to do a weekly "Dear _____" letter that will be Titans or NFL related, and maybe some random topical ones thrown in for good measure. First one obviously has to be about our boys in blue though...this one is dedicated to Nashville sports talk callers.

(Please note that the following is for humorous purposes and does not necessarily reflect my true feelings on a given player, team, personality type, etc.)

Dear Mr. Webster,

Hello and congrats on your promotion to GM of the Titans! I've honestly never heard of you before, but I'm sure we're going to get along great because I spend my hard-earned money on season tickets, which means I go to every game and see everything, and know what we need to do to fix this team! Here's my offseason checklist that you should follow and we'll be in the Super Bowl in no time!

1) Sign Peyton Manning. The guy played at UT and would love to come home (let's put aside that he's from Louisiana, we all know he bleeds orange and that he's pretty much from here), or at least that's what I've heard from my cousin's roommate's brother, whose distantly connected to the janitor at UT's football complex. Plus the doctors just said he's healthy and according to my dermatologist that means he can throw again!

2) Bring Albert Haynesworth back. The guy was a beast here, and coming back home would probably be the best thing for him.

3) Bring Vince Young back. Can you imagine VY sitting behind Manning for a couple years and winning a couple of rings?! He'd be unstoppable when he got back on the field!

4) Sign every top free-agent available. Spend $150 million to bring in Manning, Mario Williams, Carl Nicks, Dwane Bowe, Brandon Marshall and anyone else who is available. I'm tired of us being cheap, it's time to spend some money!

5) Hire Phil Fulmer to be scouting director. The guy is a legend in the state and fans would love to see him involved with Tennessee football again...albeit Tennessee Titans football.

6) Trade for Arian Foster. I know he's restricted, but everyone has a price! Foster played at UT and would love to come home. Can you imagine him AND CJ in the same backfield?

7) Cut CJ. He's obviously toast after Jeff Fisher overloaded him.

8) Cut Kenny Britt. He can't stay out of trouble and he's been injured. Time to move on (see number four...).

9) Cut Matt Hasselbeck. Dude is old and was not very good this year, it's obvious he can't get it further than ten yards anymore!

10) Bring Jeff Fisher back. If it wasn't for Vince Young, he would've had three Super Bowls in the past five years. Fisher is the best coach to ever coach the Titans and let's be honest, Munchak got really lucky with some of his wins this year. FIsher would be a good veteran coach who knows how to get the most out of his players!

So there you have it, Ruston (let's use first names since we're BFFs already), my ten-step guide to winning a Super Bowl in no time. If you don't follow this, I swear to Columbia Blue that I will stop supporting this team and do something else with my money.


The Biggest, Smartest Titans Fan in the World

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