Some of you may remember that a few months ago we sent a team through time to implant a mind reading device inside the head of Blaine Gabbert. One of the bugbears of time travel is the tendency to return to the wrong universe (the other one of course is the danger of being pre-emptively murdered by your Grandfather). It now appears that our original report “Inside the Mind of Blaine Gabbert” was contaminated by cross-dimensional static. Undaunted, MCM Special Ops have re-inserted the implant into the correct Gabbert [this required shaving his head, hence the new haircut] and once again we can access his innermost thoughts and manifest fears as the Titans game approaches.
As our device powers up the day before the game we enter Gabbert’s home or, better stated, bunker. This heavily fortified edifice now includes a moat and a fortified courtyard patrolled by real Jaguars. At least that’s what Gabbert thinks- in reality it is patrolled by 2 guys of uncertain sexual orientation “Jaguaring”. This is amazingly effective as most would- be intruders are rendered spastic with laughter at the sight and are easily dealt with by security. One a month master burglar Ryan Leaf is told that he can keep all the pain killers he can find if can successfully break in- he has never succeeded.
We see Gabbert, now in his film room. He is reclining on a comfortable and softly padded chair with his feet up on what at first sight appears to be a malformed baby rhinoceros but which on closer inspection turns out to be ace blogger Alfie. Gabbert is reviewing pre- season highlights. This is the only film his specialist Confidence Coach (the hardest working member of the staff) will allow him to watch. We dive into his mind...
BG: Wow! I am ELITE! In your face Tom Brady! And you Rodgers! And you Brees! How many pre-season games do you pussies play eh? A couple of series in game 3? Not me! I am a WARRIOR! I can’t wait for the new 18 game season! 6 pre-season games instead of 4! Epic!
Gabbert’s train of thought (and frenzied punctuation) is derailed by the entrance of his personal Physician/ Pilot/ Waiter. [Some explanation is needed here. Like John Madden, Gabbert has a morbid fear of flying. Unlike Madden*, Gabbert is also afraid of boats, trains, buses and horses. To be fair there are only 2 forms of transportation that Gabbert is scared of- things with wheels and things without wheels. As a result the Jaguars have hired Australia’s famous Outback Flying Doctor and Steak Delivery Service. These highly trained individuals are fully qualified to sedate Gabbert, fly him to his destination and give him a good meal on arrival. This is probably the only good personnel decision the Jaguars have ever made but credit where it’s due.]
Aussie voice: G’day mate, time for the pre- flight jab
BG: But I’m scared of needles!
Aussie voice: C’mon mate, it’s only a little prick (jabs)
BG: Little prick? What does Alfie have to do with thizzzz.....
The screen goes blank as Gabbert sinks into unconsciousness only to be revived in the Titans’ visitors lockerroom. Mike Mularky is giving his pre- game speech
MM: Men, Blaine, as we all know the offense is injured (looks wistfully at MJD) so basically we don’t have a prayer. Please, just don’t be yourselves out there ok? Right, everybody in for the chant “One, Two, Three, SUCK!!!”
Mike Mularky- Fine offensive mind. Awful motivational speaker.
MM: Ok Blaine, time to run out through the tunnel
BG: Tunnel!!?? What if there’s a train in it? I’m terrified of trains!
MM: Blaine, it’s just an expression
BG: Express??!! There’s an Express Train in there?!?!
MM: No, no! Look Blaine, no railroad tracks
BG: There’s a DERAILED Express Train in there?!?!?!
MM: No, no. Blaine, it’s like the inside of an airbag. You like airbags don’t you?
BG: Mmmm Airbags... so soft...
MM: And there are Cheerleaders outside. You like Cheerleaders too, don’t you?
BG: Well yes, providing I’m wearing a whole body condom and they’ve been dipped in bleach**
MM: Come on Blaine, you can do it- just follow that 5 year old girl who won the "Meet the Team" raffle [Note: It is spectacularly easy to win Jags fan raffles for obvious reasons]
Moments later a slightly shaky Gabbert emerges from the “airbag”
BG: That was scary. Did they check that kid's ID? What if she'd been my granddaughter travelling back in time to murder me??
As his pulse drops to its normal panic- induced 135 beats per minute Gabbert looks around for danger.
BG: Wow, these opponents’ stadiums are weird. So many people and no Tarps. Our stadium is way better. On game day we have so many Tarps that we are the only trampoline visible from the Space Station. Now that’s something to be proud of! Are these guys in the Guinness Book? I Think Not!
BG: There’s Locker. He thinks he’s so tough playing with a non throwing shoulder injury. Well it’s ok for him. He’s only got ONE non throwing shoulder. I have TWO! Twice the risk of injury! I can run though. Well, run away at least. That reminds me, I must find out what this “Forward Progress” stuff is all about.
BG: Uh oh. The coin toss. Emphasis on player safety my contused ass! What’s safe about Ed Hochuli flinging a Shuriken? Man doesn’t know his own strength and is obviously visually impaired. It’s not like the coin toss changes anything- you still have to play football afterwards. I mean it would be different if the winner could go home and watch another game on TV. Much safer for me and far more entertaining for our fans.
Moments later there is the sound of a football being smashed through the uprights from the 35 yard line.
MM: Ok Blaine you’re up. Get in there!
BG: I am Elite! I’ll have that punter on the field on no time! Nobody can accuse me of wasting a 3rd round pick!
This time around our transmitter continued to work throughout the entire game. However, a recent visit by some large gentlemen of Sicilian descent who run a Totally Legitimate Business in Las Vegas has “encouraged” me not to report game details. Be sure to tune in again after the game for “Blaine Gabbert wired for Panic”. Right after the game. When I get my kids back. Honest.
*Speaking of “Madden” Gabbert is on the cover of a special edition of Madden entitled “How did these bozos make it in to the NFL?” The rosters are locked and Ryan “fingers” Leaf is the opposing QB. This is the only version of Madden where a field goal can win you the game 3- 0. Interestingly enough it’s the only version endorsed by Jeff Fisher
** This is why so many Cheerleaders are Blondes