"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!?"
Maybe the fact that a deal is imminent has got me feeling a little overconfident, but I'm kind of in the mood to talk some smack. You know, writing checks my team can't cash. So let's take a look around the AFC and be thankful that we actually have it pretty good. Sadly, Fred Graves didn't make the list.
Disclaimer for overly sensitive fans of opposing teams: It's a joke, lighten up.
The Baltimore Ravens: Where to begin...well, for starters, the greatest player in our team's history is definitely not a suspect in a murder. Our team's best running back hasn't ever been busted for selling cocaine either. Of that I'm almost positive. 98% sure. We also don't have the Least Interesting Man In The NFL lined up under center. On the contrary, Rusty gets points for his name and general awkwardness while Jake is just a pretty interesting guy by nature.
The Cincinnati Bengals: Does this one even need explaining? Another where I'm not sure where to begin. Currently, we don't employ Cedric Benson or the whiny, increasingly annoying, Carson Palmer, so that's a plus in and of itself. Really though, the fact that we're not the Bengals ought to be enough to convince anyone.
The Cleveland Browns: The Mistake on the Lake. 'Nuff said.
The Pittsburgh Steelers: James Harrison comes to mind. I've defended his ability time and time again because it often goes overlooked after stories about him opening his big mouth again often hog the spotlight, but damn, this is one stupid, stupid man. I'm still trying to piece together how that one quote about how if the commissioner was on fire that he wouldn't put him out was taken out of context.
The Houston Texans: Oh man, this franchise is a disaster. I'm not sure whether it's easier to cut them slack or rip them even more mercilessly considering that they're an expansion team, and an awful one at that. If they have any redeeming qualities at all, I've yet to come across them. The offense is always fun to watch, but that's almost the best part; they have amazing talent on the offensive side of the ball whereas the defense consistently ranks near the bottom of the league. It almost seems like it doesn't matter how many high draft picks they spend on upgrading it either, this team just has the culture of defensive failure embedded into itself.
The Indianapolis Colts: Well, we're not a one man team. Sure, their one man is good enough to beat the NFL three times over, but what happens when he gets hurt or, imminently, retires? Oh boy, you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to Curtis Painter lining up for them. No idea I tells ya.
The Jacksonville Jaguars: What's the easiest way to lose any shred of dignity you once had? Why, sparkly uniforms of course!The things they take the field in every week are hysterical. I wasn't aware that color shifting paint was still in. 2005 called, they want their gimmicky helmets back.
The Miami Dolphins: It's never a good thing when the thing that you're most known for is a bunch of creaky old men popping champagne after the last undefeated team loses. It doesn't really detract from the achievement itself, but at the same time, it kind of does. Screw you, 1972 Miami Dolphins, screw you.
The New England Patriots: For all of Vince Young's shortcomings, he never once went on national television and literally cried about his draft position. Not once. Also; they ruined the greatest set of uniforms in league history. Believe me, somewhere, Billy Sullivan is rolling around in his grave.
The Kansas City Chiefs: They may have gotten us last year, but they will never live down the bongos incident. Never in a million years. If "You mad 'cause I'm stylin' on you." could be summed up in one single moment in time, that would be it.
The San Diego Chargers: 14-2 record? Solid chance to go deep in the playoffs. In the Schotten-verse? Not so my friend, all that means is that the early exit is even more painful.